VSBattle Starwars vs Joe Rogan

A Combat Blog Post based on the VSBattle Tiering System.

Joe Rogan vs. Doctor Cornelius Evazan & Ponda Baba: Fight Breakdown

8 min read

The VSBattle Tier System catalogues characters from all areas of fact and fiction from everyday people to beings considered to be god level, as well as cartoon, stop motion to puppet based characters like Popeye or the recent Youtube kids horror characters, for example. The stats and data enable people to eestablish the most powerful and the highest ranked fighters. Click here to read about transitional characters and how fictional  archetypes mirror and even shape us as people.

The Setting: 

The fight takes place in Keanes Saloon in Red Dead Redemption 2, quickly losing custom save for the several shady patrons necking liquor as they watched a bug guy and an angry pigman at the bar. There was no chatter in the air, no mirth, just uneasy fingers on triggers. Out of the blue, another stranger strolled in. Dressed like a man from the wrong time, with more ink on him than a squid, as bald as a cue ball and as muscular as an ox—Joe Rogan.

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Character Profiles and Tiers:

Joe Rogan (Human)

Tier: 10-A (Peak human)

Powers and Abilities:

Martial Arts Mastery: Joe Rogan is a black belt in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu and Taekwondo. He is skilled at precise powerful strikes and manipulating opponents using joint locks, throws, and chokeholds.

Strength: Rogan is stronger than most regular humans because he does gym workouts and has regularly conditioned himself over recent decades in combat sport.

Durability: While not invulnerable, Rogan’s extensive fight experience allows him to take punches and recover well.

Speed: Joe's reflexes are exceptional for a human. Evading attacks from fast opponents is central to his discipline. 

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Doctor Cornelius Evazan (Human, but a seasoned criminal and thug) 

Tier: 10-B (Average human)

Powers and Abilities:

Experienced in the use of blasters. 

Combat Experience: Cornelius Evazan is underhanded, quick to take advantage of any situation.

Pain Tolerance: A hardened criminal, Evazan is capable of enduring pain and continuing to fight.

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Ponda Baba (Aqualish, muscular and enhanced by cybernetic arm after an altercation with a Jedi) 

Tier: 9-C (Peak level enhanced hominid)

Powers and Abilities:

Stronger than a human: Ponda Baba's species and his  upgraded arm make him a formidable opponent, capable of overpowering regular humans.

Enhanced Durability: His Aqualish physiology and robotic enhancements grant him a higher tolerance for damage.

Combat Experience: While he’s not a trained martial artist, his natural strength and aggression make him dangerous.

Resistance to Pain: Due to his alien physiology, Ponda Baba is more resistant to injury than a typical human.

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The Fight:

The scene is set. Joe Rogan enters the wooden saloon, his frantic eyes scanning the room in disbelief. He immediately spotted Doctor Cornelius Evazan, a notorious disfigured criminal, sat at the bar next to his companion, the black eyed and green skinned Ponda Baba. Both were swaggering boisterously as onlookers remained silent. 

Joe stood there, wide-eyed and slapping his head repeatedly, as the absurdity of his situation sank in. ‘No way, man. . . this isn't real,’ he muttered to himself, his busy mind desperate to process the chaotic mix of Red Dead Redemption and the unmistakable presence of Ponda Baba in that iconic orange pilot jacket he wore in Mos Eisley. The Aqualish rose to his feet — a strangely imposing childhood action figure alive in the flesh. 'Star Wars characters?' He asked himself smiling with bewilderment. His logical mind, wondered if some part of his tripped out mind had leaked into his video games console. But before he could even begin to form an answer, a voice cut through the confusion.

‘Star Wars, what?’ sneered the grotesque man, who sat beside Ponda Baba. It was Dr. Cornelius Evazan, the infamous snouted accomplice, but Joe couldn't remember the guy's name. He studied him as the swine-like man peered over his shoulder at him. ‘I’m more than just a character, friend! We’re wanted in twelve systems. You’d be wise to calm yourself!’

'Now boys,' asserted a barman, his unkempt antique facial growth wildly reached out in every direction. 'We don't want any trouble.' 

Covering his open mouth, Rogan spoke to himself, unable to shake his disbelief, 'what the fuck? Alec Guiness diced this motherfucker!' The podcaster felt his brain overfiring and secretly vowed never to touch DMT ever again. Hands on his forehead and circle eyed, Joe secretly hoped to wake up back in his own real-life Kansas. 

Ponda Baba made a deep gutteral sound like a walrus, as though he was supporting the threat. The celebrity took a step back, tattooed hands raised defensively, while playing along with whatever was happening. Maybe he had woken up on a new Mandalorean film set, he thought. 

Evazan’s ugly grin only widened before firing a blast of laser fire from his pistol, killing the barman instantly. Two authentic looking cowboy's ran away. Rogan realised he had zoned out, unsure whether to run away or not. The saloon was clearly about to erupt into a shootout. Bang! Wood splintered, people died, screamed out in pain. Ponda Baba and Dr. Evazan murdered innocent patrons without hesitation.

Joe Rogan regretted the hero role he had thrust himself into as he charged headlong at Dr. Cornelius Evazan. He had to save whoever he could! A glint of genuine malice behind that afflicted porky countenance. 'You're in the wrong place,' he sneered, taking aim with his smoking blaster. His companion, Ponda Baba, moved into Rogans periphery, clearly eager to watch him die.

Round 1: Opening Shots

Joe Rogan hurled a stool at Evazan and then booted him in-between the legs lifting him up to to crash down, the thug, curled up automatically fired his blaster as a result. The shot accidentally scraped Joe's right shoulder but, he was fast enough to roll with it somewhat. He moved swiftly, disarming the folded up, whimpering doctor, before aiming the weapon at Ponda Baba’s head. 'C' mon drop your weapon, dude!' 

Ponda Baba, vociferous and basal grunts suggested something unfriendly. The green alien furiously charged at Rogan hastily, hoping to take his weapon, but failed. Instead he swung a heavy punch aimed at Rogan’s head. Joe fired Evazan' s blaster nonetheless. It caught the orange arm of the aliens coat. Joe Rogan didn't want to kill anyone, but Ponda Baba would not relent — his arm was made of metal and clearly bionic! He would not have felt a thing. 

The bug headed alien made another haymaker swing at the podcaster, Joe blocked, but his left arm almost snapped sending the blaster smashing into bottles of alcohol behind the bar. The comic cried out in anger and pain but opted to retaliate quickly with a Muay Thai clinch to grab Baba’s neck. His deadened arm faltered thought he successfully planted a hard knee central onto Ponda Baba's hard tusks. The hit connected with an audible crack. Dazed, Ponda slowly collapsed to his knees. Joe staggered back. 

Round 2: Close Combat

Evazan motioned closer to grab the celebrity, but he quickly evaded him. Rogan, sweating and determined rushed into striking distance, instead of punching, he grabbed Evazan’s hand and twisted it with a fluid motion. The Doctor fell to the wooden floor with anger, to which Rogan responded like an anaconda, coiling himself around his prey, snapping bone and crunching joints. It was his golden opportunity to practice his Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu at full capacity. 

Bending limbs the wrong way seemed wrong; all that crunching, cracking, snapping was cruel and the criminals pleas for mercy re-enforced it. Suddenly, a powerful clean kick thudded into Rogans chest. It sent him sliding across the whisky scented floor, tainted with chewing tobacco. The pain was insufferable, cardiac, danderous. 

Ponda Baba's tusks still hurt and his anger had increased to rage. His voice boomed. It was unclear whether he was focused on saving his friend or killing his new enemy. However, Baba began to ground and pound the bald comedian who quarded his face and skull with his beefy tattooed forearms. The green bug-eyed walrus lifted the muscular entertainer by his throat using his robotic arm. Joe Rogan was suspended off the ground like a child. The only thing he could do was furiously kick his legs to force himself free. So he tried his best. 

As soon as Rogan felt his feet touch down in front of the Aqualish, he side kicked his opponents left knee, tilting his stance just enough to take his neck for a merciless rear choke.

Round 3: Turning the Tide

Rogan now knew that it wasn't just about raw power, but using his techniques to survive. He was a grappler, and he knew how to handle larger opponents. He was putting a nasty squeeze on Ponda Baba, then he used his Jiu-Jitsu to force Baba to the ground. However, the entertainer was hurt, and the alien was taking longer that any human to go to sleep.

Evazan recovered from his earlier torturous beating and climbed to his feet. He wanted blood and produced his concealed blaster. Damaged bones and joints kill accuracy, he had to focus on his shaking hand and trigger finger to stop them shaking. Rogan heard that iconic Star Wars blaster noise just as the unprecedented heat of a laser pierced his side, like a red hot metal rod stabbing through his lower abdomen! In agony, he rolled behind his unconscious tusk faced opponent, letting his body serve as a shield. A second shot burnt into Ponda Baba's chest ensuring a permanence to his stillness. 

At a serious disadvantage, Joe Rogan knew he had to focus on Evazan again. He was leaning on the bar. Shocked at the fatal wound he inflicted on his Aquilish partner in crime. Joe knew he had to close the distance, execute some monstrous pain to put the ugly son of a bitch down! But reality was unkind, Joe could not walk without pain. He slithered silently behind the bar next to the dead bartender, planning on outflanking the last crook. Foraging frantically under the bar counter for something to weaponise, right side down in splintered wood, strong spirits, broken glass, Joe Rogan knew this was possibly the final moments of his life. 

Dr. Evazan was making noise, moving slowly, struggling to maintain his footing, but getting nearer. 'I warned you,' he bellowed. He leant on the bar to support himself as he slid around, while pointing his blaster down at the  hairless muscle man who killed his best friend. The tough guy was very hurt now and Evazan enjoyed watching him slowly squirm up, wriggling onto his knees, tired, beaten. He lifted his face, and his expression conveyed something, 'I know who you are!' 

'Go on,' said Dr. Evazan, an air of curious pride. 'C'mon!!' 

'Even here in this out of time pocket universe they know you!' said Rogan, before pointing toward the saloon doors with his eyes. 'Even that asshole knows you!' 

As Dr Cornilius Evazan looked towards the empty saloon door, realising that he had been played. In that very millisecond of his functioning eye turned away, Joe Rogan aimed the blaster that was sent hurtling behind the bar moments ago. Before he fired the weapon, just for a finite moment Dr. Evazan cringed expectantly. The celebrity repeatedly fired making sure he was done. 

Conclusion:

Joe Rogan stands victorious. Why? Both Ponda Baba and Doctor Evazan were found dead on the floor of Keanes Saloon in Red Dead Redemption. It was the years of disciplined striking combat experience, Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, and quick thinking that led Joe Rogan to victory, despite the odds being stacked against him. His training was just enough to manage his two assailants methodically. These villains relied on their blasters and thuggery more than their own martial prowess or intellect. 

Tiers Breakdown (VSBattle Tiering System):

Joe Rogan: 10-A (Peak Human level, enhanced through martial arts mastery)

Doctor Cornelius Evazan: 10-B (Average Human, skilled in blaster combat)

Ponda Baba: 9-C (Peak Walrus faced Aqualish with a robotic arm)